The Defining Line BTW Helping and Enabling

I keep coming back to this topic!!!!!!!!!!!! And I finally have come to this important defining line (for me at least). Previous blog entries can be found in the archives (right of the blog sheet by month and year).

Background: Almost everybody wants to help a fellow human being when they need help whether it is concerning money, addiction, health issues or just general life situations. A LOT OF TIMES we wind up frustrated and disappointed that 1. We are unable to help them (for whatever reason). 2. We think we know what help they need and alas it isn’t what the person believes is the correct plan for them. SO WHEN DO WE KNOW TO GIVE UP AND LEAVE THE SITUATION?

I know that in some cases I’ve invested months and even years in trying to “help” somebody with problems that they have. They would make “appointments” and come by and talk for hours asking my opinions and suggestions for lines of action. And then on the next visit we would go through the approximately the same issues and suggestions and opinions and NOTHING would CHANGE!!!!!! NOT ONLY WHAT I SUGGESTED HADN’T TAKEN PLACE OR EVEN BEEN TRIED AND NO NEW IDEAS HAD BEEN CREATED BY THE OTHER PERSON……….SO SAME OLD SAME OLD.  Finally I learned that all was a waste of their time and mine. THEY were coming by wanting me to confirm that what they were doing was exactly what they were supposed to be doing.

So I stopped the visits and wished them the best and hoped that they would find exactly what they wanted…..sincerely said and meant!

BUT THE PROCESS WAS SOMETIMES YEARS IN LENGTH AND WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT ALL!  IT WAS GETTING ME DOWN AND SO SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE!!! 

RECENTLY I HAD A GREAT INSIGHT AND NOW I KNOW ALMOST FROM THE BEGINNING WHEN MY HELP IS NOT GOING TO BE OF ANY GOOD:

1. NOW WHEN SOMEONE COMES TO ME TO “LET ME KNOW THEY NEED HELP” I LISTEN TO THE COMPLETE SITUATION AND MAKE SOME SUGGESTIONS AND EVEN ENLIST THE HELP OF FRIENDS that might have more expertise than I do. I let the individual go out and “get to work”…………..IF nothing happens after all of the work and suggestions have not HELPED……..

2. I Let it go!  Yep, sounds hard and maybe cruel and you might feel like a failure and a heel……………but BLESS THEM AND LET THEM GO!   AND WHY?

A.   YOU CAN NOT CHANGE PEOPLE…………….NOR SHOULD YOU.

B.   PEOPLE MUST WANT TO CHANGE AND THEIR LIVES WON’T CHANGE UNTIL THEY MAKE THEIR OWN DECISION TO CHANGE…….THEN MAYBE YOUR SUPPORT WILL HELP……………BUT CERTAINLY NOT BEFORE.

C. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF. EACH person has the responsibility for themselves…………..it is THEIR life………….good, bad or indifferent! They know the lessons they need to learn in this lifetime…………and they have the opportunities AND the resources to make choices………..their choices about their lives..so let them choose and LIVE WITH THOSE CHOICES!!!

LET THEM LIVE THEIR LIVES! AND YOU GO AHEAD AND LIVE YOURS!

 

 

 

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“GENIUS”/ National Geographic CH (ALBERT Einstein) Human Being

GREAT TV ALERT!!!!   NG is presenting “Genius”, the story of the life of Albert Einstein…………..Human Being Extraordinaire!

The Theory of Relativity……………the new way to look at our world and all worlds….The Quantum Theory…………..all things are connected.

Great acting, great direction and production, it is a wonderful picture of Albert Einstein as a human being………….that just happened to be one of most creative thinkers that the world of ours has ever known. He lived in a very dangerous time in the European world as a jew, a brilliant mind but had a very difficult personality when relating to other people!

This great series is entertaining, informative and INSPIRING!

Buy the DVD of the series and watch it at least twice…….and then pass it on and share it with others.

YES, IT IS THAT GOOD!  

 

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ROSACEA…….the Devil is in the details!

Whatever you think you know about Rosacea, you’re probably wrong!  Unless you have it!

I’m initiating  a running series of comments, information and first hand experiences with this blog entry!

STAY tuned to learn, share experiences and prepare to help many others out there who don’t know what it is and more importantly that they probably have it!

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Rogue Lawyer, John Grisham, book review

John Grisham has done it again! His writing is so well done and filled with characters that you really care about you just want to curl up in a corner and enjoy reading, but unfortunately it is a FAST read and you finish the book way too soon! 

My favorite Grisham book is still THE BROKER ( I TOOK 3 TRIPS TO TUSCANY AND NORTHERN ITALY AFTER READING IT!!!!) That is just how good his writing is!!!!

But one of the main reasons to read this book is to find out just how much you don’t know about your local police departments and how they operate. You’ll never ever want to be arrested EVER! Read and learn! You might not survive!

AND protect your Wi-Fi network……………..OR you might not survive!

 

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My First Funeral!

I conducted my first funeral this week! …as a favor to a lifelong friend!

It started out as an idea that I would “say a few words” about her uncle who was 103 years old.  I had previously told everybody that I had been to my LAST Funeral, but for “Ann” I’d make an exception and “say a few words for/about “Chick”.  So it surprised me when asked I immediately said, “Yes, I can do that”.

When you live to be 103………….VERY FEW (in this case NONE) of your lifelong friends are around to “see you off”.

“Chick” was a Master Gardener so I wore my big brimmed straw hat in his honor. We made the dress “casual” because at our age that is a requirement. We set a 15 minute time limit………….in the South on a May morning it was expected to be getting hot. The format was at my discretion…….and I decided on simple but meaningful.

There were 8 of us there including the 2 funeral directors……NOTE: they had it set up for 30-40 people, chairs set up with the covering tent just like a “real funeral”. Evidently you just have to set them all up alike………..no accommodations for a simple funeral at graveside. The weather was beautiful; it wasn’t hot at 10 a.m. yet, there was a gentle breeze blowing, the birds were talking to each other quietly, so at exactly 10 a.m. our farewell to Chick began:

  1. I told the “crowd” to close their eyes and listen to the silence and the sounds of nature for 1 minute and that I would read (with meaning) the 23rd Psalm and the Lord’s Prayer. They should listen to the words instead of worrying about saying the correct words to the readings.
  2. Beforehand we had shared a few memories of Chick and our thoughts about whether or not he was there with us………we decided he was and was probably in a hurry to “get on with it”!
  3. After the reading, I asked if anyone had anything to say…………and almost everybody did have something to say. They shared special moments from their hearts about Chick’s life of fulfilling his purpose.
  4. At exactly 15 minutes it was officially over and I left. I felt really good that in some way I had made Chick’s last official “party” special.

Later Ann told me that the funeral had been a big success! The “girls” had moved on to a luncheon hosted by an aunt of the family and discussed the unusual or at least different type of funeral service. They all felt “better and uplifted” not sad but “inspired” and content.

After that glowing review I wondered what exactly made the difference in what we had done and the typical funeral service:

  1. We were comfortably dressed and the service was short.
  2. No one tried to convert anyone of us to their specific religion.
  3. The person conducting the service actually knew the deceased and cared about him.
  4. My final statement was: One of the best lessons in life is that we are responsible for only ourselves…….not sons, daughters, wives, husbands, etc. They have their lives to live and make their choices and must live with them.  In life we never know who is here to “learn the lesson” in relationships and in situations during a lifetime. It may be YOU that is learning the lesson OR it may be THEM that is learning the lesson. In learning lessons, situations must be provided for the learning…………somebody must be the bad guy! Sometimes we are the Good guy and sometimes we must be the Bad guy……….So we should give everybody a break………….THEY or YOU may be doing them a favor.

Several comments and happenings later that day were made that pointed to the fact that that final statement made a huge difference in the way the people felt after the funeral.           Perhaps…..Angel unawares?

 

 

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Update 3/18/2017 Scandinavian Authors Camilla Lackberg and Mari Jungstedt

Note: In addition to “We mostly hit what we aim at.” (My most popular blog post) my blogs about Scandinavian Authors are running a close 2nd……….

If you are interested in previous blog posts go back over the last couple of years of blogs (found on the main blog page and listed by month and year) and you’ll find an analysis of many of the great Scandinavian  authors and their books.

Camilla Lackberg…….just read Buried Angels by her. Another great read about a murder and how Detective Patrik Hedstrom and his wife Erica Falck track down the killer. The whole series about these two characters and their families makes us care about these people…………the good ones who have to catch the bad ones and shows us why the bad ones are as they are. Good reading right down to the last pages!

NEW Author (to Me)!  Mari Jungstedt………………book one in a series (UNSEEN) about murders on Gotland (an Island off the coast of Sweden) and the Inspector, Anders Knutas and his investigative team) with the help of reporter Johan Berg catch the murderer! Jungstedt has a slightly different writing style from all of the other Scandinavian authors I’ve been following. I have to call her writing “extremely organized” because she lets you meet the characters and tells you all about them while telling the story line so smoothly that you don’t even realize she is doing it so well.

NOTE TO SERIOUS READERS OF Books that are not from the USA and are translations from other languages: Names are hard to pronounce, hard to remember, sometimes hard to tell if the character is male or female from the spelling of the name.

SOLUTION:  Get several 4 X 6 index cards……..make a list of all of the characters…………divided into groups 1. The characters in the book involved with solving the cases…….2. All the rest of the characters.

Keep the cards in the book as page markers and refer to them frequently!

I’ve ordered the next 3 books in the Gotland series………………will keep you posted!

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GO AHEAD!!! kILL THAT GOLDEN GOOSE!!

Immigrate, integrate, assimilate, segregate, desecrate, annihilate/ Ding Dong the Goose is DEAD!

One of the stories the tour guides tell you about is the lost cities and peoples of the Aztec Indians of the Islands and the reason they disappeared was that the society was structured to benefit the wealthy and all of their support groups such the religious/medicine/comfort people. The houses (palaces) were at the top of the high hills and everybody else lived lower down the hill until the ground was flat and there the people who raised the food and handled the cattle and animals lived barely able to imagine the life at the top of the hill…………but they had to pay taxes to all of the groups that lived “higher” up the hill in the clouds!

Eventually, as people will do…………those at the bottom who did all of the work and payed the taxes became “restless”……….and began to wander away to other places that might offer them better living conditions……….soooooooooooooooooooooooo, as they moved away………..those who lived above them had to move down to take their places on the bottom of the social structure………..AND over time………fewer people got all the way to the top of the hill……..AND after a while ………….nobody was carrying food and comfort all the way up there…….and those with all of those palaces and comforts had to come down from their lofts and do for themselves……….AND guess who was waiting for them at the bottom  AND what happened to them…….

Immigration has been a huge topic in the news lately……….and there are many views and opinions about how we should handle it. I’ve listened and tried to understand the overall “for the common good” attitudes being hurdled around……..and the more I hear about some of the stories the more angrier I get………….so…………

The one main story is about the pregnant woman was smuggled into the USA and who used a stolen passport and social security numbers to get benefits while having her baby ( she later had 3 other children who got on welfare, went to state schools, food stamps, etc.) ………she later got “caught” and is now taking refuge in a church near the border where a minister is giving her refuge!!! She’s been here 27 years and deserves to stay and get citizenship to be with all of the her children who were made citizens by being born on USA soil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I get LIVID!

The simple truth about economics is that if you have welfare benefits……….somebody has to work and put money into the system to pay for it…………if you overload the system and have more people taking out money than putting it in………….you KILL THE GOLDEN GOOSE and break the system.

I’m sure that a lot of readers may not agree with me about this immigration “thing”……….but I have payed taxes for 3/4 of a century and have the right to publish my opinion.

I have and so should you! 

I’d like to see what you think!

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